So, today as I sat home alone bored to death I couldn’t turn my mind off. Then tonight I watched two lovely romantic movies; both which were Hilary Duff movies. Oh, I love them so! But they have made me think. Though, I still haven’t given up on the idea of him and me! I feel like maybe it actually wasn’t meant to be. If he really wanted to be with me, he would. I’ve told him numerous times that if there was something there for me that I would move in a heartbeat! But it seems like the harder I wish the farther he goes. Maybe I’m just stuck on the idea of him. Though, I have never fallen for anyone the way I’ve fallen for him. God if only he felt the same way.
He is a man of convenience. He only does something if it is convenient for him. He could never handle 30 miles round trip, so how could I have expected him to handle 60 miles one way. He is also the kind of guy that needs a woman that will tell him exactly what to do and it’s sad to say, but a woman that constantly criticizes him. And well that is far from being me. I don’t want to be told what to do myself, so I will not tell someone else what to do. I also do not pick at someone to keep them down. Instead I like to grab everything I can from the person and show them how wonderful they really are. I honestly can’t figure out why I am not what he wants. How can someone honestly go around wanting to be controlled by another being? And never have faith in yourself. He’s overcome so many obstacles that it makes zero since! I love him so much, why can’t he just love me back!?!?
I guess I just need to go and put myself out there, but I’m just not ready. It took me 2.5 years to be ready to date again after my high school boyfriend. And well, I didn’t truly fall in love back then, as I have now for him! Yeah in 5 years I may be ready to date again. Why am I so attached to people? Maybe it’s because I can see their true potential, which makes me then want to reach mine when I’m with them. If, someone is going no where fast I do not want to be romantically involved with that person. I had a thing for a guy before the infamous HIM. That guy slammed on his breaks hard from his path to going somewhere with his life and magically I was over him. I guess it’s some kind of insurance for me, but I’m just not sure.
Is it sad that if he proposed to me tomorrow I would say yes? Though I wouldn’t want to marry for a couple of years, but I’m ready to take the next step with him. And hmmm…. We aren’t even on a step right now. It’s a total one way friendship. He never contacts me first. I have to do the initial talking. Though, when I see him I can just feel the great connection and trust that we have for one another. I respect him and will stand by him no matter what he does. And he’s always told me that I can do anything I put my mind to. Though I just can’t seem to make him love me again.
